The other day I was totally unreasonable and irrational for no reason whatsoever.
Picture a 15-year-old girl who’s been told she can’t go to the party that all her friends are going to, that’s pre-menstrual and her hormones are raging.
…and you get the idea of how I was feeling.
Now… there was no reason for me to feel that way. There wasn’t anything different in my day and yet I created this state of being.
It started off with Rob saying something perfectly normal to me and I snapped.
I felt this rage building up inside me and could feel angry words spilling to the surface.
I was right and he was wrong (where did that come from). There wasn’t anything to be right or wrong about.
Good thing he had to go over to the office, otherwise who knows what would have happened. 🙂
I stewed. I fumed. I would have bitten the head off anyone who came within my reach.
But no one did so now I was even madder because no one cared enough to come and see what I was bothered about.
It was a vicious cycle.
And yet all the while it was like having two people inside me. Does split personality come to mind?
I was feeling all this angst and yet I was the observer, watching me and being totally detached from the experience.
It was the weirdest feeling.
Here was this person on the outside acting up and on the inside calm and centred.
I was pacing the floor and if I had something to throw I would have.
The inner me thought that maybe it would be a good idea to find a tree to hug.
So I hopped in the car and headed for one of my favourite spots to relax and meditate.
At this point, even the raging me knew I had to do something about my attitude.
Walking through the woods a sense of peace came over me. Talk about taming the savage beast!
There is a oneness that I feel when in the company of trees and nature and I let it surround me like a blanket.
I pulled it up around me and cocooned my body in it like swaddling a baby and I relaxed into my happy place.
As I was driving home, this state of euphoria stayed with me and I felt like a new woman than the one that had started out.
It felt whole and complete. No duality, no outside me and inside me. Just ME!
…And then it started again.
I’d been home for a couple of hours and all of a sudden this totally unreasonable and irrational person appeared again. Out of nowhere.
Being all by myself there wasn’t even anyone to blame. Just me, myself and I and although I only had two of the three show up, the third couldn’t be far behind.
Again I fumed and thought nasty thoughts and the harder I tried to hold it back the worse it became.
In the middle of this Rob came home.
Now… intellectually I knew that he had nothing to do with my state of being, but the feeling part needed someone to blame and lash out at, so he was the perfect target.
Little did he know.
He was feeling good and was teasing me, which in my present mood went over like a ton of bricks.
Normally this is one of his endearing attributes, but today it was like fingernails on a chalkboard.
I kicked him out of my office and I slammed the door. Yes… actually slammed it and I have to say it felt good. And, having never slammed my office door before I observed that it was a good slammer.
Now, Rob being a wise man, didn’t say a word and headed for the hot tub leaving me even madder.
Apparently, I wanted a fight.
Hopefully, someone can relate to this, as I was totally off the wall for no reason at all.
Then a thought struck me. Rob was in the hot tub and I had him cornered. I could rant and rave and even lock him out. Ohhh, nasty thoughts.
Meanwhile, the observer me was just observing and watching how things played out as I headed out the door.
“Rob,” I said… “I apologize. I’m totally irrational and unreasonable and I know I am but I can’t seem to do anything about it.”
He says “don’t worry about it, I’ll just ignore you“.
You’ll just WHAT!!
Don’t you ignore ME!
Until my other half came to its senses and agreed that it was probably the best solution.
Things started going uphill after this and only occasionally did I react to a thought or suggestion.
Let’s face it. Rob was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t.
I tucked Rob into bed and assured him that I really did love him or at least part of me did at that moment and I sat myself down to give me a good talking to.
But it wasn’t so much a talking to as a reflection.
Looking at the day as a whole there wasn’t anything out of the norm. Nothing was said that was abnormal. It was just me acting out like a teenager who didn’t get their own way.
If nothing else, I got to experience what it felt like to have a split personality and it wasn’t pretty.
That’s the trouble with being a Gemini. There’s always two of you to deal with. Mostly they play nice together, but when one gets out of step… my world comes crashing down.
As I slept my body seemed to rearrange itself back into wholeness and I woke up feeling complete and my normal self.
The experience gave me new meaning to the phrase “I got up on the wrong side of the bed.”